Kind of weird to begin a blog with something I didn't write myself, but it's too good not to share. This was originally on a forum called hoopla.net which shut down about a year ago. After searching the interweb, I eventually found someone who knew someone who found the content I was looking for. I wish I knew who the original author was. I would credit him if I could.
Any practising Christian with a lot of faith has not read the Bible fully. I can assure you of this because anybody taking the time out to actually read the book themselves as opposed to listening to the pastor quote his favourite parts every Sunday will find their faith severely challenged. The Holy Bible is one of the most messed up, backwards, primitive works of fiction you'll ever lay your eyes on. The more you read, the worse it gets.
I'm going to save you from filtering through this abomination of literature by presenting you with just a few examples of the kind of crap you'd find if you did. Remember, this is a book by which many people choose to live their entire lives, and want our kids to be taught about in school...
"And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters."
Basically, God decided to create the sky (a solid dome - "hard as a molten mirror"), so that there was something separating all that damn water which the entire universe is made of. The sky occasionally opens it's windows so that some water can come through - this is why it rains.
Essentially, when NASA launch their rockets, they go "bonk!" against the sky dome and fall back down again, and the reason nobody has been on Mars is because they all drowned on the way.
"And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also."
It all sounds well and good, doesn't it? God makes the sun to light the day, and the moon for night-time. Yes, it would indeed be all well and good, if he hadn't already created and named light, dark, day and night two days ago.
...Yes, I'm just as confused as you. It would seem that God finished creating days on the third day... So where the hell did the first two come from?
"And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth."
There's a lot of violence in the world these days. God knew, though, that the best way to end violence is to kill every living thing.
"And the LORD said unto him, What is that in thine hand? And he said, A rod. And he said, Cast it on the ground. And he cast it on the ground, and it became a serpent; and Moses fled from before it."
What's that you got in your hand? A stick? Put it down on the floor. Go on, just do it. HAH! NOW IT'S A SNAKE! Didn't fucking see that coming at all did you!! Hahah!!! Wait, come back!
"God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn."
"Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together."
It's just irritating. Like odd socks, or different brands of battery.
"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD."
No-one gets into heaven without a cock 'n' balls. You should see what customs is like.
"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her."
One of God's random laws he likes to decide on from time to time. "By the way, if you get into a fight with your mate, and your mate's wife shows up and grabs one of you by the balls, cut off her hand. Stupid bitch."
1 Samuel 6:4-5
"Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords. Wherefore ye shall make images of your emerods, and images of your mice that mar the land; and ye shall give glory unto the God of Israel: peradventure he will lighten his hand from off you, and from off your gods, and from off your land."
Basically, God was pissed off at the Philistines, so he gave them all hemorrhoids up their arses (and other places are implied, "in their secret parts" is the wording used). In order to redeem themselves he demands they make him five golden hemorrhoids. I'm dead fucking serious.
1 Samuel 18:27
"Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king's son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife."
David buys King Saul's daughter with 200 foreskins. Saul had quoted him only 100, but David was feeling generous. There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's...
...All I can say is thank god for gold coins and paper money.
2 Samuel 22:9-11
"There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet. And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly: and he was seen upon the wings of the wind."
For somebody so homophobic, God's pretty flamboyant. Am I the only one who finds this image absolutely bloody hilarious? An old, bearded man, riding a flying baby, with smoke blowing out of his nose. How intimidating!
1 Kings 11:3
"And he had seven hundred wives, princesses, and three hundred concubines: and his wives turned away his heart."
King Solomon, I can't decide if he was the luckiest or most unlucky man in the world. They say that when women live together, their menstrual cycles syncronize. Could you imagine it?! And you thought hell was the scariest part of the Bible.
"In the same day shall the Lord shave with a razor that is hired, namely, by them beyond the river, by the king of Assyria, the head, and the hair of the feet: and it shall also consume the beard."
Oh if only it were that innocent - "feet" is a Biblical euphamism here - God is going to shave your balls. No wonder they always have a collection plate at church - God can't even afford his own razor.
"Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it."
You better behave or else god is going to mess up your sperm and shit all over your face.
"As for the living bird, he shall take it , and the cedar wood, and the scarlet, and the hyssop, and shall dip them and the living bird in the blood of the bird that was killed over the running water: And he shall sprinkle upon him that is to be cleansed from the leprosy seven times, and shall pronounce him clean, and shall let the living bird loose into the open field."
Yahweh (God)'s 10 easy steps to cure leprosy:
"And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times? And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee. And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? And he said, Nay."
I assume we're talking about Donkeys here, though? Ah, that's better then. Wait - Donkeys don't talk. Perhaps this was an exception? Well, possibly, but Balaam doesn't seem in the slightest bit surprised that his Donkey is talking to him.
But noo, apparently God was doing it. Yes, God was talking through an ass. Much like his followers do today.
"And they shall keep thy charge, and the charge of all the tabernacle: only they shall not come nigh the vessels of the sanctuary and the altar, that neither they, nor ye also, die."
Stay away from holy places, particularly churches. If you go near them, god will kill you. But if you don't go to church the same happens, right?
"And God came unto Balaam, and said, What men are these with thee?"
I made every person, I know every single thing, but... Who the fuck are they?
"For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth."
I could have featured the original Jonah story from the Old Testament - a man lives for 3 days in the belly of a whale (or really big fish, depending on which part of the bible you're reading) - but it's far more retarded that Jesus believed every word of it.
"At that time Herod the tetrarch heard of the fame of Jesus, And said unto his servants, This is John the Baptist; he is risen from the dead; and therefore mighty works do shew forth themselves in him."
Herod thought that Jesus was John the Baptist, having been resurrected. He must have been a lookalike because the same mistake is made a further five times in the New Testament. People also thought that they saw Jesus 3 days after he died...
"And the devil, taking him up into an high mountain, shewed unto him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time."
I guess the world is flat after all then? The book refrences this claim a number of times, as well as the sky being rock solid, with windows which open to let in the rain (because the sky is surrounded by water). I'm still not kidding.
"But their eyes were holden that they should not know him."
Two of Jesus' disciples didn't recognise him when he came back to life. Y'see, it was Jesus, but their eyes didn't have enough faith to see that it was him.
"And all that believed were together, and had all things common; And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need."
We got it all wrong! Jesus wanted communism!!
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
The big one, the big favourite of all the new age Christian wusses, the one printed on the bottom of plastic beverage holders all around America (such power!). Essentially it says that if you sin, God will send you to hell, but God sent Jesus to die, so that you don't have to go to hell. Still not clear on this? God sent his "only son" on a suicide mission to save us from himself.
"And I took the little book out of the angel's hand, and ate it up; and it was in my mouth sweet as honey: and as soon as I had eaten it, my belly was bitter."
...You're supposed to READ it, John!
So, am I still the only one bothered that politics are swayed by this shit? The next time somebody tells you that it's not okay to be gay, or that you'll go to hell if you don't do exactly what you're told, consider that they're taking these rules from the exact same book.
What a stupid book.