This just out! In a release today, WickedLeaks founder Julie Anne Essuange provides conclusive proof that the Yahweh administration has been engaged in a systematic and eons-long misinformation campaign designed to bolster the Yahweh administration’s ratings and to keep members from cancelling their subscriptions to the various Yahweh clubs and publications – known on earth as religions and sacred books.
Essuange stated that WickedLeaks received trillions of theemails hacked from the Yahweh administration’s theemail server. The source of the information given to WickedLeaks was not disclosed except to say that it was trumpet blower (apparently there are no whistles in heaven, just all dogs) who became dissatisfied with the deteriorating conditions there.
Essuange went on to say that WickedLeaks spent months sorting out the incriminating theemails from the trillions of prayers and supplications put in e-mail form by the heavenly customer care group and then forwarded to Yahweh’s personal theemail account – email@example.com. Fortunately for the WickedLeaks research team, 99.999999999% of those prayer emails went unopened directly into Yahweh’s trash folder, so separating them out from the useful theemails was tedious, but not difficult. A small percentage of prayers for sports victories did not go into the trash folder and were acted on by Yahweh, depending on point spreads for the various games in question.
Among the stunning revelations in today’s release, three stand out as bombshells, almost certain to prove damaging to Yahweh’s reelection efforts. These three are:
- Adam and Eve did not eat of the forbidden fruit. They were absolutely devoted to Yahweh and had no intention of sinning - whatever that was. They were determined to live the cushy life of Club Eden! However, other theemails, discussed following, show that Yahweh needed for them to sin so that “he” could carry out an ambitious scheme to cover for the lousy job he did with the creation.
- Satan did not rebel against Yahweh and was not cast out of heaven for trying to declare Yahweh incompetent and have him impeached. Satan was Yahweh’s Executive Assistant and was ranked 2nd in all of heaven -- leaked theemails show that Yahweh did not invent Jesus and the Holy Spirit until much later, as part of another plan (details in a future release). It is clear from the many leaked theemails that Satan had it very good, was very happy, and had no intention of rebelling against Yahweh. In one theemail to a group of subordinate cherubim, Satan describes all the great perks he gets without having to do any of the nasty stuff, that Yahweh did. No details yet on what those bad things were, but investigations continue.
- Satan and the Serpent were not the bad actors in the forbidden fruit story in Genesis. It is clear from the leaked information that Yahweh set them up.
Others have come forward since the leaked information was made public and have corroborated the details of these three events. Prior to the disclosure, no one would speak out because of fear of eternal punishment.
Essuange provided the following synopsis of events, but encouraged readers to study the leaked theemails and draw their own conclusions.
As a result of not having any real experience with creation, Yahweh got sloppy in the creation work and did not notice that he left the door open for all kinds of bad things to happen, things like death, disease, violence, natural disasters, etc. It was not until he declared all creation to be good that he realized he screwed up big time. Since Yahweh was in no way going to admit to an error, he had to have a plan to divert attention away from his mistakes. That is when he came up with a plan – and his second error. Yahweh created Adam and Eve and planned to throw them under the bus by having them eat of the forbidden fruit – which would be whatever fruit Yahweh picked out for his plan. However, as soon as he created Adam and Eve, he saw in their future that they would not sin so things were getting sticky for Yahweh. Not wanting to risk a third strike, Yahweh decided to get Satan to tempt Adam and Eve and then Yahweh would throw them out of the Garden and blame them for all the problems with Yahweh’s creation.
When Yahweh approached Satan with the plan, Satan not only said “No,” but “Hell No,” and unfortunately gave Yahweh another idea. With Satan’s refusal to be complicit in ruining Adam and Eve’s lives, Yahweh could not afford to keep him around in case he might spill the beans – or whatever is spilled in heaven. So Yahweh created hell and sent Satan there to get him out of the way.
With Satan out of the way for now, Yahweh acted quickly to try to complete his effort. He noticed a serpent moving around in the Garden (it is not clear if the serpent was walking or had other means of getting about.) and decided to use the serpent as a game piece or more accurately, as a ventriloquist dummy.
Yahweh rendered the serpent unconscious and then talked through the serpent to Eve and tried to entice her to eat of the forbidden fruit. Eve told the serpent, “Are you nuts? Adam and I are happy here and we know only good. Why would we want to have knowledge of evil – whatever that is and it doesn’t sound good? And besides, I like the bananas much better. So beat it.” At which point Yahweh panicked and withdrew to regroup and the serpent woke up and asked Eve what happened. Eve said she didn’t know but told the serpent that it didn’t sound like itself earlier. The sserpent said it had this voice in its head, but could not stop the voice from talking like it was from the serpent.
About that time, Adams arrived and asked Eve what was going on. Eve and the serpent told Adam what happened and Adam suggested that maybe the serpent had gotten hold of some bad mice or something. Anyhow, Adam and Eve helped the still groggy serpent get back up on whatever he used to get around on.
Frantic at this point, Yahweh blustered into the Garden and demanded to know what Adam and Eve had done. Adam said nothing Lord, just helping the serpent recover from some sort of seizure. Oh Sure! lies Yahweh, I know what happened, cause I know everything. Satan, whom you have never heard of, spoke through the snake and tempted Eve and she ate of the forbidden fruit and gave some to you Adam. Don’t deny it. Adam said, but lord, what fruit, forbidden why, and you know we don’t like apples all that much.
Yahweh said Enough! You have sinned and must leave the Garden and you will be responsible for everything that goes wrong in the world because I screwed up creation, I mean because you have sinned. And don’t bother trying to set the record straight, because you will be long dead and I will get this thing written up like I want it to be – maybe in a bible or something.
And Oh by the way serpent, you’re screwed! Instead of crawling on your belly to get around like a serpent, you are now cursed to crawl on your belly to get around like a serpent. So there!
Other gods have weighed in on the Celestial Radio Network and have expressed shock and amusement at the WickedLeaks release. Just to be safe and not be caught on the wrong side of public opinion, they have withdrawn their support for the Yahweh administration pending a full investigation.
Yahweh’s spokesangel, Hark the Herald, says that the Yahweh administration categorically denies all of these allegations and that furthermore, Yahweh was not even in the Garden on the day in question.
In other news, there are rumors of additional leaked theemails involving Job, the Origin of Evil, and a Book of Norman, an Old Testament book long suppressed by the Yahweh administration.
We will continue to provide updates on this breaking story.