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Freethought and Funny Bones

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Freethought and Funny Bones

A group for freethinking humor. Let's share a good laugh, it always helps to see things more clearly.

Atheist Universe Comedy Cellar

Location: #life
Members: 62
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

..., because there is no god.

Started by May the Big Bang RIP. Last reply by Davy on Tuesday. 5 Replies

Donald Trump, because there is no god.

Tags: godless

Begging

Started by Mrs.B. Last reply by Mrs.B Feb 26, 2017. 7 Replies

In the news…Continue

The Stand-up Comedy Clip Thread

Started by A Former Member. Last reply by Chris Nov 5, 2016. 10 Replies

Post your favorite stand-up comedian skits here. No limits on content, but if it is NSFW please say so. I like the old-timers.   Here's a Phyllis Diller impersonator.    Continue

Tags: humor, comedians, stand-up, comedy

Mexican Flag From Trump Tower in Canada

Started by Mrs.B. Last reply by Stephen Sep 1, 2016. 1 Reply

In the news…Continue

CRACKED

4 Internet Startups That Are Plain Evil

By Adam Wears  Published: August 16th, 2018 

Why 'Fortnite' Has A Strangely Positive Influence On Kids

By Vicki Veritas  Published: August 16th, 2018 

5 Movie Sequels That Inexplicably Came Out Decades Later

By Alex Hanton,Markos Hasiotis,Dan Hopper,Michael Battaglino,Peter I. Santiago  Published: August 15th, 2018 

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Comment by Michel on June 6, 2011 at 5:05pm
Comment by Jean Marie on June 5, 2011 at 4:07pm

i always forget to check this group, is such a GREAT MOST AWESOME group!!!! 

Comment by Michel on June 5, 2011 at 3:53pm

Church Cancelled Due to Lack of God
The Onion JANUARY 15, 1996 | ISSUE 29•01

The South --

Parishioners of Pastor Theo Leobald’s First Congregational Church of Holy Christ In Heaven will not meet next Sunday morning for a coffee social and morning Bible study as they do every week, gathering in fellowship and offering thanks and praise to God on high. The reason for the cancellation? Simply the fact that, according to Leobald, God does not now, has never, and will never exist.

When asked why he is convinced of God’s nonexistence, Leobald became visibly irritated with reporters.

“What’re you, an illiterate peasant? Aren’t you familiar with 20th century thinking at all? Christ, read a book, or maybe just think about the idea for a minute. Pretty ridiculous, huh?” he said.

When pressed, however, he sighed heavily, and explained that thousands of years ago, tribes of nomadic desert peoples made up God because, being incapable of scientific reasoning due to caveman-like existences, they had no other way of making sense of things like sunshine, rocks and pork-transmitted trichinosis.

“They made it all up, and they were ignorant, unwashed, half-naked pre-historic barbarians,” Leobald said. “So who are you gonna believe: Carl Sagan, and the pantheon of the world’s greatest scientific and intellectual minds, or some guy who measured wealth by how many goats he had?”

Sagan, according to Leobald, is an “astronomer” in a big city far, far away who writes what are known as “books.”

“I just felt like an idiot saying all that nonsense week in, week out. What’s the point of singing hymns of joyous adoration to a fictional entity?” Leobald said.

“Why convene to donate time, money and personal resources to a being which exists only in fabulous legends and mythological ancient texts? If we were to keep doing that, week after week, why, we’d feel ridiculous, wouldn’t we? Plus, we’d look pretty stupid as well. It’d be like talking to a wall, and frankly, I’ve got better things to do with my time. And I sincerely hope all of you do too.”

Although reactions among community members to Leobald’s decision have been varied, most have been positive.

“I never really liked getting up that early on the weekend anyway, but continued to do so out of gripping fear of having my entrails eternally ripped out by flaming scimitars after death,” Gregory H. Tensdale, 51, said. “But now that I know it’s all just pretend, I am no longer terrified.”

Tensdale concluded by adding that the uncomfortable dress-up clothes he has always detested will be on the trash heap by sundown, and that he fully expects to stay clad only in underwear until well after the game on Sundays from now on.

“I enjoyed the lovely singing during church service, and was very sad to see it go, particularly because I am a lonely septuagenarian waiting to die,” Mabel Graskowsky, 78, said. “But then Pastor explained to me that there are groups who get together just for singing only, and I could go to any one I wanted whenever I wished. Just singing! None of that boring inbetween stuff I always slept through. I’m much happier now.”

Not all opinions were as supportive.

“Who cares if God isn’t real? I say worship him anyway,” School Board Member Fred Nichtenhausen said. “After all, every grown-up man and woman knows Santa Claus isn’t real, yet we worship him every year on Christmas, the Holy Day of Santa’s birth, as prophesied by Nostradamus.”

Added junior high school student Curt Mondaham, who was unimpressed with the pastor’s speech, “Big deal. He’s just saying the same thing Neil Peart’s been saying for years.”

For those who still want to worship, if not God, but just something, Leobald has started a Sunday morning group called The Church of Imaginary Make-Believe Land, where churchgoers will have their choice of nonexistent beings to submit to. Some of the worship selections include Poseidon, super-agent James Bond and fabled storybook character Peter Pan. “I’m worshipping Peter Pan,” Gladys Fye, 108, said. “I do so love his adorable little pointed green shoes. Oh, that Tinkerbell with her magic dust!”

For his part though, Leobald says he will not be attending.

“I’m meeting once a week, not Sundays but on Wednesdays, with anyone who cares to join me. We won’t be worshipping anybody, just practicing my favorite hobby, horticulture. I’ll admit, it doesn’t have the power to grant eternal absolution from earthly pain, but at least flowers are real. We must cultivate our garden.”

The Church of Holy Christ In Heaven will soon change its name to the Church of Imaginary Make-Believe Land.

Comment by Michel on June 1, 2011 at 1:24pm
History Channel Treating Invention Of Popcorn Like It's Fucking Penicillin

June 1, 2011 | ISSUE 47•22

NEW YORK — An in-depth, hour-long History Channel special about the cultivation and manufacture of popcorn reverentially details the origin of the snack food as though it were as fucking miraculous as the discovery of penicillin, sources reported Friday. "It was then that an engineer from Indiana named Frederick Mennen—a quiet, thoughtful man who would later found the Jiffy Pop corporation—conceived the intricately interleaved foil enclosure that would become synonymous with popcorn for most of the 20th century," a voiceover declared in sober tones befitting a description of how Sir Alexander Fleming saved millions, literally millions, of fucking lives by developing the world's first antibiotic. "The addition of salt and butter added the final flavorsome coda to Mennen's masterpiece." The program was reportedly followed by a rerun of Ancient Aliens, a show that treats extraterrestrial influence on primitive cultures as if it were something that actually happened.
Comment by Adriana on May 25, 2011 at 11:16am

BREAKING: Enraged 500-Foot Bin Laden Emerges From Sea

May 25, 2011 | ISSUE 47•21

The towering, furious al-Qaeda leader emerges from the ocean.

ATLANTIC OCEAN—Multiple sources have now confirmed that Osama bin Laden, thought to have been killed and buried at sea weeks ago, has emerged from the Atlantic Ocean, rising to the towering height of 500 feet. The al-Qaeda leader was spotted approximately 25 miles off the coast of the northeastern United States and appeared to be making his way toward land with alarming speed. Fighter jets and battleships are reportedly en route to the scene and are expected to engage bin Laden within the hour. Keep checking TheOnion.com or @TheOnion on Twitter for updates as this story develops.

Comment by Michel on May 24, 2011 at 4:53pm
Why do you say that nucular explosions are funny?!?
Comment by A Former Member on May 24, 2011 at 4:27pm
That's just rediculus.
Comment by Adriana on May 24, 2011 at 4:24pm

The dreaded alpacalypse

It seems that the end of the world last weekend has got lots of people searching for the word "alpacalypse" - judging by the number of folks who've recently found this post ... and yes, by searching on that word.

Is the word a popular meme right now, what with us having just had the Rapture and all? I assume that must be the case. I hate to think of the obvious alternative: that it's simply that a lot of people Out There on teh intertubez don't know how to spell "apocalypse".

Comment by Neal on May 23, 2011 at 12:46pm
lolz
Comment by A Former Member on May 23, 2011 at 12:06pm

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing...

He asked the trainer that was nearby, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said,

"I would try the ATM in the lobby."

 

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