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Please don't read this, if you are in a really great mood and do not want to stain your great mood.  Or, please do not read this, if you are vaquely bummed out, and do not want any thing to tip you over into full-on bummed out,

but i gotta tell somebody.   
I am dying.

i have cancer, it is in my bones.  My bones look like swiss cheese, full of holes, called "osteloytes". 
  I have known i have cancer for a long long time, and i have chosen not to have the whole chemo bald headed/puking thing.

here is the weird part. (well, nah........... there are actually a surprisingly lot of 'weird' parts to dying of cancer)
but, here is the part that might be of vague interest to fellow liberal atheists.


when i tell my relatives who are conservative religious folks, that i have cancer, but that i have opted NOT To "fight it" with chemo,

weirdly enough? they are hostile, angry, judgmental, and highly critical of me for not choosing to spend my final year or two as a bald headed puker.   Instead of offering even a shred of compassion? instead, they seem nasty and angry that i did not choose chemo,

and they regale me with endless stories of people they knew who did take chemo and are doing fine.  that is great, but I am appalled at their attitude of hostility.  A few of my conservative relatives have actually stopped talking to me!  for real

I tell ya, i would not say such things to my worst enemy (if i had  worst enemy) if they told me they were dying of cancer.  Yet, here they are, my actual family, 

saying really cold mean judgmental things about my choice to not go the whole chemo route (it wouldn't save me anyway, but to be honest, even back when chemo "might" have saved me? i chose to not spend my time puking and just let cancer take it's course.)

thing is, i do not want chemo.  I am a nurse, and i have spent a lifetime watching deaths and the cures.  I am ok to go now.  i have had a good lucky life.  i have much to be grateful about. 

  And at this point? chemo would not help anyway----I am already allllllll through into my bones.  Chemo can not fix that anyway,

yet, my reallife family can not hear me saying that.  their words do not feel kind, nope...they sound mean, if you can believe that.

oddly enough, my liberal pals, seem perfect and supportive and kind, 

but it is so so freakin weird how conservatives just lose their crapola to hear about someone who is just choosing NO chemo.  It is right down party lines, i am not kidding, it is the weirdest thing.  I am not easily surprised,


THIS does surprise me.

Motto:  If you are terminally ill and are Not choosing chemo and all that crapola?  well, do NOT tell anyone who is a republican. LOL


on another point, 

as we all know, whenever someone is ill, alllll the gods come marching in......oh dawg....

so naturally, 

there are a few who seem to kind of hope that i will "finally" turn to gods.  but, to be honest, i even kind of 'tried' to find some gods,but, i can not find any gods. 

I have had far far too many science classes to pretend that prayer will 'help' me.


hope this post did not bum anyone out.  I just wanted to keep it real somewhere, even if not with my own family.   love, jean

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aw geez, i added this to "petitions" ? oh my...... i was just trying to add a 'discussion' not a "petition"...

(Jean I moved your post onto General. That's the best I could do.) 

I won't tell you how sorry I am, you've probably had your fill of that.

But I will say how much I respect your decision.

Love Stephen 

Thank you, that means a lot right now so i appreciate it.

I think it is strange how some people react. You obviously know your stuff, and even if you didn't its your body and you know what's best for yourself. 

Thank you, you are right, but, it does surprise me, how much backlash i have been given for not doing chemo.   SO so odd, how it is right down party lines, with no exceptions.
All my liberal pals, they are supportive,

and all my republican pals or relatives, they are honked off, actually literally mad at me.  
They can not hear me.  I tell them, the chemo can not stop cancer in bones that look like swiss cheese on the xrays, 

but, they are mad just the same.  so so odd.
I am usually slightly secretly prideful inside,

of being able to understand people and their motivations, even obscure and silly or complicated motivations, even motivations that perhaps they themselves do not understand..  well,  sometimes, i can...

sometimes, more often than not, 

i can see why someone does or says or feels a certain way...

but, not this time, nope, 

i am just confused.  I do not understand it at all.  maybe cuz it is about me, maybe i have a blind spot or something, but i am flummoxed.

i do not understand why they are angry.  

you'll have that.

thanks for your support.  I guess i can mostly only be real "online" (now how odd is THAT!) lol

I had cancer, so I know the emotions. I had great people in my medical care, my husband, my in-laws, my neighbours. At the time, my own parents couldn't be bothered so I left them out of the equation.

Its best to avoid the toxic people where possible. They are not in your shoes, & your life & death is none of their business. You know what is best for you, & your decision is yours alone to make. The others can go stuff themselves.

I'm sad that we have just ''met'' here, & I was looking forward to getting to know you some, but it is what it is.


Dear Patricia,
I was looking forward to getting to know you, as well, and, I think that maybe we still have time.  I am guessing, that as long as one of my swiss-cheese bones does not snap,

I might have a year, maybe two! maybe 3! left. who knows, maybe even more years.
i have beat the odds already, i have already outlived most statistics by avoiding the chemo, and i feel mostly pretty okay most of the time.   Can't complain.

who knows.  time is a funny thing.

goes by faster and faster now.
I so so appreciate your words, and clearly, Patricia, You truly do know about this, don't you!  I read it all twice, and i appreciate it more than you know.  
and i sure did smile at the cats picture,

my daughter has moved in with me, and she has a cat, my "grandcat" 

who i find most amusing,

and i have 2 outdoor wild and free feral cats, "Sylvester" and "Kiki" (do you love me song)
and they come from the woods near my home when i whistle,

and i feed them, and they smile at me, and close their eyes at me (my daughter says that means they like me) and eat the food and i do this every day.  I guess that makes me a part-time pet person of 2 wild free cats.  I have been thinking of getting a few days off in a row to capture them and have them spayed or neutered,

(i have no idea what gender they are) in that almost nationwide TNR (trap neuter and return) program. 
IT is interesting to me, i've always been a dog person, 

but my life does not lend itself to having a dog, i work 12 hour shifts now,

but it is interesting to me, that these 2 cats have such different personalities.  So opposite.
funny enough.  Yeap, cats can make ya smile, that's for sure. 

i really liked the part you wrote about the others can go stuff themselves! LOL

Kitties are also good for blood pressure. Nice you have a couple of outdoor kitties to look after.

My cats have been great nurses when I've had my many issues, & they just know somehow.

Those long shifts are not good for having a dog. Cats are more independent, & as long as they have food & water, they're fine alone. Mine are strictly indoor cats, but I can go out any time I feel like it without needing to ''potty'' them first.

As for anything else, supportive is the key, so negative people should go mind their own business, not yours. Fighting the fight is tough enough without sour attitudes to go with it.

Pets in general are good for the soul - be it cats, which are independent laid back and loving.  Dogs which may help to get one out of the house for walks.  Chickens - believe it or not  when raised as chicks are great pets to hang out with.  Don't let them in the house or on the balcony of the deck  because they will make a mess.

There is something about horses that is calming and helps the spirit. I miss living in a cow town and believe or not the cowboy culture.

Maybe a thing about horses is that when living in rural area  you and the horse depend on each other.

A possible subject of horse therapy, or hoarseness may be better suited for another group.

Hundreds of wild horses in California set for round up, possible sl...

I'm just sort of complaining about living in the suburbs and miss the country.

Jean Marie some country doctors are good and will refer you to a hospital in a city able to help you.

Perhaps you should move (transfer) to a city to get the treatment required.

Don't know, but will get into the complexities about city and country doctors and the complexities about it.

Jean lets PM.


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